All Those Feelings

December 26, 2020

I was struggling to write a post this week and not really understanding why. Then Anne Helen Petersen sent out a newsletter entitled “A Feelings Post” and I said yes, that’s what I’m experiencing too! Just. so. many. feelings. And just like that I realized I didn’t have to fight it.

The holidays - whatever holidays you do or do not celebrate this time of year - are full of feelings in a “normal” year and this year is certainly not normal if there is such a thing. On top of pandemic/omicron/climate change and all the rest, my family is navigating the first Christmas since my mom passed. Last year, Christmas Day, was the last time I saw her. When I hugged her goodbye that day, she was crying. I went in my house, laid on my floor and cried without really understanding why. Just a few weeks later she died.

I’ve been full of feelings the last few weeks, mostly feelings I can’t define. They have not all been “bad” or “sad”. I have felt such joy in nature lately, and a real sense that I belong there among the birds and the trees. As I made Christmas cards for my family, I felt a warmth in my heart and a lump in my throat with how deeply I love each of them. I listened to a talk by Tara Brach tonight and what I took from it was almost revolutionary for someone who has lived afraid of her feelings - every single emotion we have is here to bring us to wholeness, to heal and bring us back to our hearts. This is a wonderful Christmas gift for me to receive.

Whatever you are feeling, I wish you kindness, belonging, connection, health, peace, self-compassion and love. I will write more next week perhaps, but this week I’m going to leave you with beauty, nature and feelings.

Female northern cardinal enjoying the poison ivy berries

Female purple finch, a winter visitor here

Ruby-crowned kinglet

I thought this looked like a lotus blossom

Winter sunrise, even if it feels like fall

Yes, I am good enough!