Change is Time Consuming
January 7, 2024
I don’t know whether change is easy or change is hard. I know for sure it is time-consuming. It tends to swallow up my brain cycles, and for me it is stressful. I am a creature of routine. Routine is how I get through the days, manage my absent-minded professor nature, and do what needs to be done. I’m the person who finds a sweater I like and buys it in four colors so I don’t have to make another decision about clothing. Changing routines and making new choices is a challenge.
I am currently changing my daily routines significantly to bring better balance to my body. This is not a “resolution” for the new year, it just timed out that way by the time I had a few tests and met with the nutritionist who will help me through the food portion of this. I have not been someone who cooks much. I tend to rely on (what I thought was) a healthy meal delivery service, protein shakes, and a couple of pre-packaged foods. Now I need to learn to cook my meals.
This will be a great change for me - once I learn how to do it. It’s the learning that consumes a lot of time! I have a brain that wants to know ALL the details and wants to know them right now. For the past ten days my mind has been consumed with food and the preparation of food - either eating, cooking, shopping, finding recipes, cleaning out my cabinets to make room, or identifying the tools I am lacking.
The other changes I need to make revolve around recommitting to the practices that reduce stress and make me strong. My stress levels are having an unhealthy effect on my body and it has to change. I am good at keeping up a walking practice. Meditation, Qigong, strength and mobility practices, somatic relaxation, and most recently some neurographic drawing techniques are all things I have done. I want to get into a better routine so these mindfulness and physical practices get done more often.
The challenge is how to do enough of everything without creating stress about not doing enough of everything! Perhaps now you can see why my motto this year needs to be, “Give yourself some grace.” I am stumbling through it right now as best I can. Sometimes I have to give up a little of what I love to gain it back better in the long run (hopefully with a calmer mind and body).
Occasionally there are mornings when I look out and know there might not be a visible sunrise behind the clouds - but there’s a tiny chance. On these mornings the clouds are pushing in and it’s a question of whether any light can get through before they swallow it up. When the light gets through, I call these “secret sunrises” because it looks like there won’t be anything, and then there is. It usually lasts just a few minutes as the light sneaks through some space in the clouds before it disappears again.
Heading out on a cloudy morning is an act of faith that something beautiful might still appear. Making these changes is an act of faith that hopefully I can restore as much health as possible in my body. I am trusting myself to make good choices as I walk through the storm. Giving up a little of my lake time to figure it out is also an act of faith. It’s all a balancing act and I’m hoping I don’t crash too often.
Every year birders ask what bird you saw first for the year. I always hope I will see something extraordinary like an owl. This year I saw a ring-billed gull which seemed a little boring until my friend Ken Lamberton (who has the most EXTRAORDINARY yard), told me this:
“I understand that gulls have the ability to sense storms and danger, and swiftly remove themselves from harm's way. Symbolic words associated with a gull sighting are cunning, perseverance, fearlessness, survival, and freedom.”
I have a strong sense of danger and I am persistent. I get knocked down a lot - but I get back up and try again. I keep working at really seeing the things I’m good at and giving myself more compassion for the challenging things. No one is good at everything. I’d love to gain more fearlessness and freedom this year too.
Sometimes, like this feather, we get blown about by the storm. I feel like I was blown about a lot in 2023 (and 2022, and 2021, and 2020). As I watched this feather eventually find a calm spot I thought yes, I will eventually find that calm spot too. Maybe in 2024?
I started out today thinking I didn’t have time to write a post - and here I am. Putting one foot in front of the other and getting it done. For four years now I’ve had no idea what I’m doing out here, but I keep doing it. I seem to have developed a rhythm and a style through sheer persistence. I can make these other changes too, as I’ve done many times in my life. It’s just going to take repeated effort - and a little grace.
Be well friends, whatever storms might come your way. It looks like winter has finally decided to arrive here and we shall see what it brings.
"The weakest step toward the top of the hill, toward sunrise, toward hope is stronger than the fiercest storm."
Joseph M. Marshall III (Lakota)
A really superb piece -- one of your best! I can so relate to the exhaustion of change and necessity for grace and self-forgiveness when change is mandatory, but doesn't come easily. Just the other day a good friend and I half-jokingly, half-seriously made out our individual lists of the "Top 10 Things We Beat Ourselves Up For." It was so revealing of our mutual propensity for perfectionism and guilt when we miss the mark. Stress/anxiety has been my nemesis all my life, and it becomes a real vicious circle when I "get stressed about getting stressed!" Fear incites more fear. Change means stepping off that merry-go-round through self-care and mindfulness, but sometimes stepping off is a bit of a hard landing! Thank you for pointing out the totem of the gull -- birds I know well from growing up on the beach. I'm going to try to embrace more of their innate wisdom and resiliency. May we walk this path together to greater peace and better health!