Hello 2021

2020 has been noisy, confusing, disorienting, exhausting, unrelenting and restless for me - and I know I have been privileged and fortunate even so. I wanted to sum up the year with a brilliant post about all I've learned and how I conquered my fears but as always the universe has other ideas. The truth is 2020 has been stubbornly, insistently, repeatedly asking me to focus on un-learning and letting go of old ways.

I have spent countless hours with my shoulders, hips and lower back mostly laying on the floor. I have discovered in my fifties I can no longer pretend attempts at forcing my body into compliance are working. Instead I have been learning how to be inside my body and follow its guidance in unwinding the tension that has been knotted together by all those years of simultaneously ignoring my body and trying to overpower it.

With the help of two amazing instructors (deep thanks to Lacey Gasaway @soulflowmvmnt and Barbara Anderson @bodyandsoulkc) and a program called “Melt Method” I’ve developed my own little “melt and move” daily practice. It has been entirely about moving slowly, gently, softly and with awareness, developing a softer strength from my center. I finally learned that I can’t remove tension by force. Each time I forget, I now hear Barbara’s voice in my head saying, “how can it be easier?”

I have unlearned my deeply held belief that connection is primarily achieved through shared physical space, shared interests and shared activities. I have found a deeper connection with my parents through weekly phone calls, some of which have been challenging as we sometimes have different points of view. In 2020 we didn’t avoid topics like politics as much as we might have in the past and this has forged a deeper and more honest connection. I understand their point of view more and I have learned that they can accept mine. Of all the gifts of 2020, this is the one for which I am most thankful.

I have found the strength of my tribe of women was not diminished by Zoom and phone calls but rather tended to deeper and more thoughtful discussions. Less noise, more substance. While some connections fell away, new ones have appeared in their place. As an introvert, this is one lesson I hope will continue when all the extroverts get to go back out into the world again.

I started 2020 with a focus on trying to learn how to live better with anxiety and of course hoping to eliminate it altogether - and 2020 laughed in my face. The universe said how about we jump 100 levels or so? New challenge level includes fear of a deadly disease, concern about job and income, temporary loss of morning walks at the lake (my primary anxiety strategy) and rethinking every single mundane part of daily life.

I had to find new strategies. They have included discovering my new (in 2019) neighborhood where I have gotten to know the birds, the park and the humans, joining a Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) farm share and a lot of other experiments in ways to ground, center and try to still my racing mind. According to my Apple Watch, I walked 1656 miles in 2020 - that’s the equivalent of walking from Kansas City to Toronto. I’ve made progress though some days I’m not sure - it’s definitely a work in progress.

As we move into 2021 the words I want to carry in are soft, still, fluid, sink, center, ground and trust. I drew a card from my “Wild Unknown Animal Spirit” deck asking which animal could help me most in January. I knew I would draw the owl before I actually drew it, but it still sent a little bolt of surprise through my body when I actually did. I have been collecting owl feathers in my dreams this week and listening to the wise council of the owls. They say, “Be soft, be still, trust yourself. Trust what you see and known. Let us illuminate your blind spots. Don’t be afraid of the dark.”

This morning I got that message in the waking world. Often I see owls in the dark of the early morning or the gray of a foggy day, but today she was right there, staring at me in perfect light of morning. I heard her wings as she flew in front of me.

Be still. Be well. Find new ways. If 2020 dissolved us by breaking us into bits, let 2021 fill those spaces with new ways forged from love.

Thank you to everyone who has read my posts and seen my photos in 2020. You have been generous and kind to me and it has kept me warm when the world has been frightening and cold.

Blessings to all for the New Year.

I leave you with a poem my friend Oriah Mountain Dreamer has posted many times: