Making Peace

October 29, 2023

“There is no way to Peace. Peace is the way.” - Thich Nhat Hahn

Sunrise, October 21, 2023

I’ve spent a lifetime trying to create peace. Peace in my body, peace in my heart, peace in my little corner of the world. Trying.

Mr. Osprey is like, “I know the feeling. I keep diving and diving but eventually I will catch that fish!”

I’ve created constriction, anxiety, and pain in my body. I’ve created rigidity, rules, and fear in my mind. I’ve hidden so well behind my armor that I no longer know myself. I don’t know what I’ve created in the world, but until my energy glows with peace it is not peace I am creating.

Not going to lie, there are days I wish I could just hibernate for the winter like a turtle.

I ran from vulnerability. I still run from vulnerability. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t want those I love to be vulnerable. I don't want anyone to suffer. I did not understand there was no way to escape the truth of vulnerability. We are vulnerable. Life is vulnerable. It sucks - and it’s beautiful - and it’s hard.

Bonaparte’s gulls look so vulnerable - and so beautiful.

It was the way I learned, to attempt to make peace in the world without making peace in myself. To use my creativity in an act of suppression rather than creation. I practiced. And practiced. And practiced. I am stubborn that way. Practice has never made perfect, practice only makes permanent. Thankfully nothing in this world is permanent.

The leaves showing all their beauty - before they disappear back into the earth.

Armor will never produce peace. Constriction will never produce peace. Running from vulnerability will never produce peace. Armor and constriction FEEL like they will make me safe. Hiding makes me feel protected. It isn’t the truth - I was not safe, I was not protected. I was wrapped up tight in a little ball, no longer able to respond to the changing world around me.

Having the ability to respond is much safer. (Franklin’s gulls with a ring-billed gull or two mixed in.)

Every day I begin the work again, the work of letting the constriction go. The work of opening to the messiness and suffering that is life. The work of opening to the messiness and strangeness that is me. The work of taking one more breath, moving just a little more, finding just a little more space. The work of finding peace in one breath. Then hopefully one more.

“Lift yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again.” (Forster’s tern)

So many times I have turned around, curled up in a ball like a turtle inside her shell, not wanted to go forward. Opening up feels good - until it’s scary. The old pathways are strong and the new pathways are tenuous. I sort of understand them, but they are not “lived in” yet.

Sometimes you have to make a new home one whack at a time. (Downy woodpecker)

No one tells you that the path of opening up, which produces health in the mind and body, eventually, is also terrifying. The path is not linear. The path moves in spirals and circles. No one tells you the path circles back through all the scary things you ran from before. No one tells you because it doesn’t matter - it’s the only way.

No one tells the avocets what they will face on migration either, but it’s the only way.

Every day I begin again, reminding myself that only opening to life will produce peace. That only opening to truth will produce peace. That only opening to this moment will produce peace. Every day I am frightened all over again. Every day I tell myself the time will come when the fear will grow smaller and the peace will grow larger. Some days I believe it. I am stubborn that way.

Nothing says peace to me more than a feather floating on still water.

“Our own life has to be our message.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

It’s been a rainy week here. Saturday morning we had a brief peak at the sun - with the air temperature at freezing and a fierce north wind blowing. Brrr! Before the rains there were more Franklin’s gulls than I’ve ever seen. Thousands and thousands. I had to estimate for eBird and I honestly had no idea - probably more than 10,000. Probably much more. I took so much video, which means it will take me a bit to go through it all! I love migration!

How is one supposed to count that - especially when you see that in every direction you look?

I reworked this video and added a segment of fish swimming at the end. I find it fascinating to watch how similar it is the way a school of fish more, the way the fog rolls, the way a flock of birds fly:

I leave you with an image of little bubbles floating on the water. Or two images because I just can’t decide which one I like most. I love how you can photograph the same thing a minute or two apart and get such different images.

Take care friends. May peace find us all.