Connect, Trust, And ...
January 4, 2025
I’ve been wrestling with my writing for two weeks. I wanted to write an end-of-year post that wrapped everything up neatly in a bow, even though nothing is really wrapped up and there are no neat little bows to be found.
I wanted to write a New Year’s post stating my glorious word for the year and all of the things I’m going to accomplish. I wanted to write about my clear vision of the future and exactly how I will make it happen.
I stared at a blank page. I typed and deleted and typed and deleted. Now, here I am, in the mud of my mind that looks a lot like the mud on the edge of the lake that has formed in the unseasonably warm weather we are experiencing. I woke up to the news that our democracy has taken another blow, raising the level of uncertainty around the immediate and long-term future even higher.
I’m in the mud of feelings, thoughts, and emotions, some of which are new and some of which I thought I’d left behind. I’m feeling all the things I’ve spent years trying not to feel. I’m surrounded by the low, thick clouds that have blocked the sun for three days.
In the midst of it all, I kept telling myself I didn’t know what my word for the year was, which is unusual because it’s usually really clear to me. And so, as is often the case when I am yelling into the void that I JUST DON’T KNOW, I realized - I do know. In fact, I know very clearly. I just don’t WANT to know.
Reading last year’s post, I see I had the same trepidation about Connect and Trust and the word I didn’t really want to see behind them - vulnerability:
I know in the deepest part of my knowing that connecting to my body, allowing my emotions to flow freely, and deepening my trust in life is the key that unlocks all the things I really want - health, flow, magic, joy, and peace. It’s also the key that enables me to make the deepest contribution to the world, whatever that contribution looks like.
Unsurprisingly, the path is full of demons, thorns, and other obstacles - just like all the fairy tales said. Building trust has required me to encounter the depths of my fear. Connecting to the parts of myself I've disconnected from in the past isn’t a bundle of joy either. I didn’t disconnect because it felt like soft, fuzzy kittens; I disconnected because it felt vulnerable, scary, overwhelming, and unmanageable.
Still, I follow this path because of a strong guiding light inside me that refuses to go any other way. Connect and Trust are still essential words for me this year, but the word that has been added brings a new level of challenge and a new level of opportunity: STAY.
My inner wise woman, who sometimes writes these posts, tricked me a little by getting me to accept “Stay” wholeheartedly as she asked me to stay in the magic, to let myself feel what was there in that moment. She then joyfully wrote a whole post titled “Stay” so I couldn’t deny it was my word:
I was so ready to STAY in the magic and joy and have experiences like that every day! I want to do that! But. It turns out that staying in the other feelings, the ones that feel more like mud and muck and pain and fear, is also required if I want to deepen connection and build faith.
This week, I’ve found myself in a familiar swirl of fear. It came with a side of headache and migraine symptoms, hip pain, and underneath a ton of emotions relating to love, belonging, and the loss of my mother, who died five years ago in early January. I’m thankful to my wise father and my best friend who have been present for me in this swirl.
The owls have been present for me this week, as they were at this time last year and when my mother died. The first bird I saw on January 1 was a barred owl that flew over the road as I left the subdivision, and this morning, as I walked in the dark, there was an owl perched in a tree half a block from my home.
I wrote about my relationship with owls, and the connection to my mother’s death in my first post of 2023:
Owls have reassured me when I needed to know I was on the right path. They have shown up for me when I needed to find faith. I don’t know which moment I’m in right now - perhaps they are one in the same.
Looking at these old posts reminds me that I have been on this path a long while - and that I am more able to be present with feelings, sensations, and emotions than I was before. I see the word “Stay” as an invitation to deepen these skills and open more fully to my heart:
Stay - just a few more minutes or even seconds when strong feelings, sensations, and emotions arise.
Stay - with the parts of me that feel abandoned and show them that they are loved.
Stay - lean into the knowing that this is the doorway to everything I want.
Stay - and realize that my inner wise woman, my inner owl, the one who knows what I can’t know is here too. Always.
I see how Stay forms a spiral with Connect and Trust - the longer I stay, the deeper I can connect, the more I can find the faith that seems to hide under my fear. I see how perfection is not required - just the willingness to stay for one more moment.
Staying has been a challenge for me as long as I can remember. It shows up as a mind that hops around at 1000 mph and often to the worst possible things it can imagine. It shows up in qigong where I am challenged to stay present during the slow flows and standing postures. It shows up when I’m struggling to stop scrolling.
I’ve developed a large kit of tools I can draw on to help me be present and stay/ Somatic presencing, soothing touch, tapping (EFT), mindful self-compassion, energy practices, qi gong, allowing my body to move in whatever way it wants, and journaling are all tools I’m using to stay present with myself when feelings, sensations, and emotions arise.
The easiest times for me to practice living into these words are when I wake up and just before I go to bed. My mind seems to slow down at these times, and these practices help me to sleep. For the rest of the time, it is the questions that help me the most. I write these questions on large post-it notes and place them around my house. Some of the questions I’m asking myself throughout the day include:
What’s present right now?
How can I connect to my aliveness in this moment?
What needs tending right now and what kind of tending does it need? Movement? Stillness? Connection? Touch? Quiet? Stimulation? Music? Love? Or maybe just presence?
What if the universe knows what it’s doing? What if I knew that everything that’s showing up is helping me open to more love?
As I get ready for bed, I ask these questions, which are written on large post-it notes on my closet and bathroom mirror:
How did I tend to myself with love today?
Where did the universe show me that it is supporting me today?
And the newest question: Where was I able to stay present just a little longer?
Just before I drift off to sleep and immediately on waking up, I connect to my body as I do a series of energy holds. I practice appreciation and send love to every part of me. I remind myself that my body and the universe are assisting me in opening to everything I want, even if it doesn’t appear to be true.
My deepest desire is to bring as much love and presence into my life, my community, and the world as I can for as long as I can. Perhaps it’s not a goal that can be measured, but it’s the goal that is most true to my heart. Let’s see what 2026 brings.
This is a list of resources that have been helpful to me in 2025 and that I’m carrying into 2026. Sharing them in case they are helpful to anyone reading:
Kate Bartley Coaching (somatic coaching)
Prune Harris (energy practices)
Block Therapy (fascia decompression)
Joseph Clough (mind mastery & hypnosis app)
Oh, Karen! I am glad you have owls to guide you and your dad and friends to be your close community. Your ability to be authentic and vulnerable in your writing is a gift to your readers. And you are grounded in nature, so that when you feel like you are being sucked into the most frightening feelings, you will always have a place to land that will hold and support you. I send love and gratitude for you, here, in this life.
Owls see and silently glide through darkness.