The Desire to be "Good"

August 14, 2022

This week’s full “learning the hard life lessons” moon

I am procrastinating. It’s later on Saturday morning than I’d like to admit and though I have several topics I’d like to write about, none of them is forming enough coherent sentences on the page. Well, that’s not exactly true. One topic is forming mostly coherent sentences but I don’t want to write about it. I’d rather play “Spelling Bee” until I make “Queen Bee” than write about it.

I want to write about an amazing experience a few weeks ago when I arrived to find the trees in one of my favorite spots covered in what appeared to be maple seeds. The mayflies had hatched and there were thousands of them hanging from every branch in sight!

This delight brought birds from everywhere. Tree swallows, cliff swallows, barn swallows, chimney swifts, eastern kingbirds and cedar waxwings all showed up in large groups. The birds were swooping in the air to catch the mayflies, picking them off the water and taking advantage of the extraordinary circumstances to grab them right from the branches. Catching photos of bug-catchers in flight is challenging and the closer they are the harder it is - but the better the photos are if I succeed!

Tree swallow swooping for mayflies

I want to write about all the pollinators on the buttonbush, including so many skipper butterflies I couldn’t count them all. How I stood there an hour just watching bees and butterflies being amazed watching nature take full advantage of yet another short-lived bounty. I have a whole newsletter full of photos that I really should put out sometime soon.

What wants to be written is the story of my conflicting desires to both be “Velveteen Rabbit” real and to quickly return to a state of “I’m good!” no matter what’s happening. Being “real” is fundamentally important to me as I believe this is where deep, lasting connection comes from and I want that kind of connection in my life. It also seems to be where kindness and compassion are born and I want to be a kind and compassionate person. I even wrote “real” right into the name of this newsletter!

Yet I have watched myself over this summer of challenges try to return to “I’m good!” as quickly as I possibly can. When I was in the ER calling my dad to tell him they were checking me in for three days, I absolutely insisted “but really, I’m fine!” (And I was but I also wasn’t and it’s probably a good thing someone forced me to slow down). Last week I had the post done on Friday - and on Saturday that “real” caught up with me in the form of feeling totally wiped out to the point I was afraid I had come down with something (three Covid tests later I can safely say it was more likely exhaustion from overdoing).

It was easy to overdo it. Standing and walking weren’t painful, at least once I got up and walked enough for the leg to stretch out. Sitting was painful and laying down was mostly uncomfortable. So I stood. And walked. A lot. I stood and walked all day, which honestly I should have known I couldn’t do without repercussions. I smiled and proclaimed how much better I was than the week before.

It wasn’t untrue - I WAS substantially better than the week before. But that smile - that smile is the thing I do with other humans. The thing that wears me out when I’m around people I’d venture to guess. That holding an exterior that is as perfect and perfectly good as it can possibly be. I want to be good - not ok, not fine, but rather it is a constant desire to proclaim to the world that despite all the challenges there’s no need to worry about me (ever) because “I’m good!”

Birds take rest breaks (turkey vulture)

The biggest challenge is my insistence to myself that “I’m good” at times when I’m not. Sometimes I really am good. Sometimes I’m even great! Sometimes I am ok AND I am something else (tired, sad, worried, etc.). Sometimes I am just something else and that is where I get myself in trouble because I don’t want to be something else. Something else scares me. I want to be calm, joyful and happy ALL THE TIME. In other words, I don’t want to be real. Except I do want to be real.

This week the park service decided to mow down a lot of the beautiful native plants around the edge of our neighborhood pond. I have no idea why they did it. It was heartbreaking to see so much milkweed, cattails, blackberry and wild grapes mulched into nothing. These plants that had stayed green and lush when everything else turned brown in an area that will just be swampy when it finally rains. It was also heartbreaking to see so many dragonflies, butterflies and birds disappear.

I’m trying to believe there’s an ecological reason for the destruction and it’s not just that someone complained about the “weeds”, but I don’t know for sure. Yet as I looked at it, I thought this is what I do. I mow down the “weeds”, which might be the very things that make me interesting, beautiful, human and able to contribute to the world in a truly sustainable way. I mow them down and try to present a pristine image to the world. If I don’t like seeing manicured lawns then I need to stop manicuring my own image.

If you’re expecting answers to this conundrum I’m sorry to say I don’t have them. I want to say “I don't have them yet” because needing to conquer EVERYTHING is part of needing to be “good” all the time. However, as I was avoiding writing this morning this bit of wisdom popped into my mailbox from Sari Botten’s latest installment of her wonderful newsletter, “Oldster Magazine”:

It reminded me of the difference between gym-yoga classes at Crunch in the city when I lived there in my 30s—where an instructor shouted at us to find our “edge” and push past it—and ashram-yoga classes at Kripalu—where an older yogi softly advised us to practice “ahimsa,” or “non-injury”; to find our “edge,” and respect it.

The universe does have a way of conveying the messages I need to see, usually multiple times if I’m not getting it. Yesterday a wise woman in my sangha connected core strength with being completely honest with ourselves about what we can and can’t do in any moment and holding boundaries (even with ourselves). All my physical therapy at the moment is focused on rebuilding core strength to allow me to move without compressing the sciatic nerve. Giving myself time and space to heal requires being very clear about my boundaries too. Maintaining an upright posture will likely require more of the same.

Birds don’t seem to have any pretense either, they are how they are. (American goldfinch)

This week I had some great moments. It didn’t hurt to drive my car and I made a trip back out to the lake. I enjoyed it thoroughly the way you enjoy something you’ve been deeply missing for too long and the birds were extremely generous. This week I had to rest a lot more so most of the pictures from that day are still unprocessed. This week I had nights when I slept well and nights I didn’t sleep so well. This week it’s clear the therapy is making things better and I have faithfully done my exercises every day, being sure to follow the principle above of respecting my limitations. This week I saw the sunrise and got this post written. It was a good week and it had its challenges. That’s what’s real.

Wishing you all lots of joys but also the space and community in which to be your real, beautiful, imperfect selves.